Today I was tugged in a thousand directions by two very small people with very big feelings. I would put one down just to hold the other. I found myself counting the minutes until naptime - which happens on days where we reach my touch quota too early in the day.
I survived, as I usually do. I put them down for a rest and I checked my phone to make sure I wasn't missing anything.
And wouldn't you know that I got the reminder I needed. I saw a girlfriend share something about pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, which is October by the way, and I immediately felt a sense of grief and gratitude. And a big fat effing "HERE'S YOUR SIGN." from the universe.
There was a time in my life that I would have given anything to feel two babies tugging on me left and right. There was a baby I lost that I wanted so deeply. Here I am, in the throes of trying to navigate motherhood and entrepreneurship - struggling to find the right mix of time with my babies and time for my business and time for me - and I had forgotten about her. I had forgotten what it felt like to so desperately want the life I have.
Remember, your hard is someone else's gift. Your hard might be YOUR GIFT. It's certainly mine! 5 years ago I was literally begging to have the life I have now. Even the most grateful among us need reminders sometimes, and today was mine.
So when they wake up from this nap, I'm going to hold them a little closer. I'm going to remember what it felt like to miss them before I knew them. I'm going to memorize their little faces and wonder if I'll have a hard time remembering this day 5 years from now. And I'm going to miss that baby that made me a momma. I'm going to ask for her forgiveness for forgetting, even for a moment, how lucky I was to have her siblings. How lucky I am that she made me a mother.
When you realize you've forgotten, what matters is that you DID remember. We are humans, we have moments where we wish life away or get caught up in the things that don't matter. But that moment where you realized what you were wishing away? That's the moment where gratitude takes root again.