Changing and growing are such awkward stages - I mean, look at teenagers. JUST LOOK AT THEM. Their entire bodies and beings are fighting against themselves just to become who they are. I had an out of body "changing and growing" experience a few weeks ago and I am not going to lie to you, I've been wrestling with it for weeks.
Rachel Hollis talks about caterpillars and butterflies and how of course, it HURT and was SCARY to become a butterfly but the caterpillar did it because it was it's DESTINY - can I get an AMEN FOR THIS because what a metaphor for life - and I'm finding that the older I get, I'm trying my best to honor the change and lean into it instead of fight it so much.
We were at a wedding awhile back where we were around a ton of people we hadn't seen in a decade - and while I truly was glad to see them, I wasn't so glad to watch myself slip into "High School Whitney" - you know her, that girl that gave a shit what people thought and said the things she thought people wanted to hear instead of THE SHIT THAT WAS ON HER HEART.
We would literally be in the middle of a conversation and I would catch myself doing that thing I used to do - "Be funny, Whitney. They only like you because you make them laugh, Whitney." I am pretty sure I abruptly ended about 4 conversations and it wasn't because I didn't like the person I was talking to - it was because I was DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF for reverting back to someone I WASN'T ANYMORE. I have literally fought emotional mountains of self-worth to realize that I AM MORE THAN FUNNY and I will be damned if 1 night was going to send me back to a place of insecurity.
I could hear Moana singing in my ear "YOU KNOOOOOWWWW WHO YOU ARE." (you're welcome.) and it was all I could do to even gracefully end the conversation and recalibrate. Hear me, it's not that I don't like to be funny. It's that I don't like how I use funny in social settings to hide my heart - a very emotional, very complex, very deep heart. I don't want to talk about bullshit. I want to CONNECT with people and when you're with someone that knows who you used to be, you put pressure on yourself to "be who they want you to be." (Also, for the record that is made up bullshit, how do you know what they want you to be, did they tell you? Nope. YOU told you. So, that's not real and you're projecting your shit onto them so check yourself.)
So what did I do? I honored the shit out of how I was feeling. I left on the 10 pm bus. I decided that I didn't care if they talked about how lame it was that I left. Because I really honestly don't care, and my hope for every woman on this earth is that she can get to a point in her life where she chooses herself every single time. Where she recognizes that the WOMAN SHE IS BECOMING IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHO SHE USED TO BE.
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I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!